Relationship Advice: Do crushes count as cheating?
"You'd be my type, if you were a penguin." Sometimes we crush on someone because they're so different from what we're used to, and know it wouldn't be a good idea to pursue it. (photo from flickr: followtheseinstructions)
I got a question from a reader the other day, which I’m sharing here:
Does having a crush on someone, while in a relationship with someone else, count as cheating?
Firstly, considering the person asking the question, I’m going to answer this from a traditional, monogamous point of view. And, like most things, it would depend on how you define cheating. My off the cuff answer is “No.” In fact, crushes are normal, healthy things. My boyfriend isn’t going to get in trouble for having the hots for Sigourney Weaver and I’m not in trouble for crushing on Johnny Depp.
Sometimes we’re attracted to someone simply because they represent something different, and we realize it wouldn’t be a good idea to pursue it.
If we’re talking about physical infidelity, the answer is still no. They’re with you, they’re loyal to you, they’re not having sex with someone else just by having a crush. They might be having chemical flares of attraction, but it doesn’t mean they have any desire to be with them.
If you talk about emotional infidelity, the answer is also no — unless the person is actively taking steps to create further physical or emotional closeness; meeting unmet needs they haven’t talked to a partner about.
What does that mean?
For example, we all want to be appreciated and desired. Men, especially, talk about needing to feel admired by their partners. Sometimes, in our long-term relationships, we start to feel taken for granted by our partners. We feel we’re expected to continue to be there, because that is what commitment means.. yet we’re not feeling like we’re getting much out of it anymore, except for being honorable, safe/secure, or in integrity.
“Good” men and women don’t want to be assholes, so they stay.. and emotionally starve. On the one hand, bravo. You’re a “good person.” On the other hand, your relationship needs your needs. If you’re starving, your partner deserves to have the opportunity to work things out and make them better with you. Before you’re ready to expire.
Now, imagine someone sweeps in. They remind us of all the excitement, and passion, and appreciation we haven’t been feeling in our relationship. We realize how starved we’ve been, and we develop a crush with this person we feel so connected to, and understood by. This person is providing us with things we haven’t felt at home.. and we like it.
Now we have three paths before us:
a) We can continue forward, as if nothing has happened, afraid to bring up feelings that we’re having, and feelings that our partner may be having.
b) We can get swept up in the magic of these feelings, and move forward. Likely leaving a path of hurt, confusion, and chaos in our wake.. and possibly not ending up with someone who is actually very good for us.
c) We can enjoy the feelings of attraction, and realize that we’re seeing aspects of things we miss. We can bring this energy to our relationships to revitalize them and inspire something new. By focusing on and remembering the reasons we love and appreciate our partners, we can engage in a partnership that allows us both to bring forward things we’ve been missing in our relationship.
Ideally, our relationships are evolving as we ourselves grow and evolve. In a partnership, that evolution needs to hold the changing needs and dynamics of both partners. If there isn’t space for change, the partnership becomes stagnant and brittle. Being able to use a feeling like a “crush” as a way to bring more energy and intention to a relationship, is healthy. It creates awareness of agreements that may need to be renegotiated, or life changes we need to bring to our partner’s attention.
Just remember, your partner isn’t misbehaving if these needs haven’t been provided. Nor is your partner misbehaving if they’re having a crush on someone. Chances are, this is just information that the relationship gets to be checked into, and looked at for both people’s benefit!
All the best,
Kaye
For more relationship information, check out my new collaboration and website http://www.relationship-breakthrough.com
