“Courage is not the absence of fear…”
“Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear.” — Ambrose Redmoon
This post was inspired by my friend Lily, and there are many people in my life who I’ve seen display amazing courage. They didn’t go off to war, they didn’t settle uncharted territory, or sail to a distant planet. they’ve had the courage to relate with another human being, on a level that leaves them vulnerable.
Early in my relationship coaching career, I took a class with a Mark Micheal Lewis, who said something that has lived within me ever since that class. He said, “intimacy stops when we stop communicating.” The thing is, is that intimacy requires so much courage, that sometimes I’m amazed that any of us have relationships to thrive in. The kicker is that sometimes by the time we gather the courage to share ourselves, there is so much pressure behind it, that it is like trying to share water from a fire-hose – all the power to put out flaming houses, but hard to drink from.
Relating openly, takes an extra level of faith/trust/recognition/enter appropriate word for your understanding here:
Faith that you’ll be safe
Faith that you’ll be welcomed and accepted
Faith that there is a place to share yourself, and
Faith that there are people out there who won’t accept anything less — because they love you THAT much.
When I first started this as a note on Facebook, Lily also added that there is a huge place for faith in yourself. I’m just going to quote her directly because she says it so well:
I feel there’s so much to be said about faith in oneself too: faith that you know your self, faith that you know what you want, faith that you can articulate it to someone else, and… the most important for me, faith that when I cannot know myself, cannot know what I want, or cannot articulate it, my partner will be patient enough to help me know it to myself and to him (or her).
As I’ve grown in my work helping others, I’ve had to grow in my own courage. Time and time again, I find myself upset, or facing a problem, that I’m scared to share, scared to admit that I have a problem, with my problem. But that is why, before I started seeing Christian, I decided I wasn’t going to date someone who couldn’t also be my best friend. A friend who would keep honesty, and intimacy in the forefront of our relating. Because, well, if we couldn’t be honest, why the heck were we here?
But part of the secret has been finding someone who spoke the same language (and I don’t mean English, necessarily!), had the same commitment, capacity and who was willing to learn to translate, as much as I am. The other part of the secret was realizing that people have more space to respond to me, when they’re responding to something that is about me: it is my hurt, my fear, my need. It is communicating that my emotions are about me, not an attack against them.. and an open request to find out what they need, to partner with me in finding the solution.
So thank you to everyone who has, and continues to show courage in relating – you inspire me.
Christian & Kaye in San Francisco, 2008 with the courage to love
Take action? What action?
I don’t know how many workshops, classes, seminars, or books I’ve read that boil down to “take action, take action, take action.” But they don’t cover getting to that place where you can take action, or knowing what action to take. Instead, I remember numerous times I’ve read a book, or gone to a workshop where I came out pumped up, until I realized that on arriving home, I had no idea HOW to implement all the tips I’d gotten.
Where do you find the people interested in what you offer?
How do you put together a media package?
Where do you submit a press release?
Alone, the questions just piled up faster than I was able to answer them and I simply kept hitting that wall of frustrated and overwhelmed. Finishing up my training, I felt left holding a bag with no clue what to do with it.
Isolated, it is easy to get bogged down, overwhelmed, and lost. The more and more I talk to new and experienced entrepreneurs, the more I’ve learned that I’m not alone. If I don’t have that community, collaboration, mentoring or support, it can feel like an uphill battle once I’ve stalled out. But like driving a stick shift, I can’t go forward until I take things out of gear and re-engage with those small action steps that eventually lead to the Daytona 500 of results.
But not everyone has access to a collaborative work spaces and communities like the ones we create. Maybe you’ve moved, maybe you’re shy. Maybe the next bite-size action step is simply to find new people to connect with. In the meantime – I asked other friends and community members what has worked for them as well:
• Finding people who have done what you want to do and researching the steps to their success
• Talk to a professional consultant who has experience and connections to hire or be your mentor
• Make a list of things that hit the reset button so you can start taking action again. A friend suggested things like taking a shower, a short walk, a mini-vacation, a spa moment, things that will help you start the task anew.
• A therapist friend suggested: Letting myself actually experience the stuck-ness and frustration even if that means crying and going fully into the misery. Then my nervous system rebounds and things become more clear, options naturally multiply. I guess I let myself hit bottom and then ride the rebound.
What ever you do, remember – you’re not alone. While talk does not cook rice, give yourself some slack if part of cooking rice figuring things out and breaking things down to: go to the store.
Warmly,
Kaye Porter
What Would Sim-Kaye Do?
Has it ever felt like your to-do list just turned into an avalanche?
So there I am, my to-do list suddenly triples in the space of an afternoon: A business to run, research conduct and organize, groups to schedule/facilitate, a consulting gig for LA-CAMFT, my PAX Mastery &
Leadership Program to keep up with, a wedding to shop for, a possible party to organize, camping plans, costuming and choreography for a fire-performance in front of some 45,000 people to learn by the end of August, and a boyfriend talking about some pear tree.
Ok, I’m kidding on the pear tree.. but not the rest of it.
Sitting there, freaking out about how overwhelmed I saw myself getting, had no idea what to do, or how I was going to get anything accomplished. In the midst of it all, I remembered this Sims game where you have these little people you build lives for. You feed them, sleep them, and interact them with other little “Sim” people. You find them work, and you organize their little lives.
But if these Sim lives start to get off-balance, you get upset Sims. Their happiness drops, they start to act out, and they start to have little Sim temper-tantrums. Kinda like the one I felt coming on. Here I was getting tense; not having eaten or taken a break since 11am and if I didn’t change my ways – soon I was not going to be NOT-fine. Just like my Sims.
So You can imagine how I had to laugh when I suddenly had to ask my self, “So, what would Sim-Kaye need??” Because apparently, I give my Sims better balance than I give myself. Apparently, I needed a 15 minute break and with that answer, I took a break and got back to work MUCH happier and more productive.
Good luck!
Kaye
Have you ever gotten lost in your to-do list?
If you have ever had a to-do list like mine, it seems to be endless. No matter how many things I cross off, it seems like another five more get added. A proverbial Greek Hydra. Sitting down in the morning and going over the list helps me focus, but some mornings it seems like an overwhelming mountain before me, and I can’t really see the progress I’ve made.
There are lots of tips and tricks to get things moving: tackle the easiest tasks first, break large overwhelming tasks into smaller, easier tasks, tackle the task that will feel most satisfying, put your to-do list on index cards and just focus on the top card, etc. But in a state of detail paralysis, I forget why I’m even checking off these detailed lists. That is when I’ve turned to my group, or my mind-map – to remind me of the future I want to see.
By re-focusing, not on the tasks, but on my objectives I can get moving forward again. Rather than beating my head against something that isn’t working for me, I can remember what the objective is: a successful practice, adventures with my wonderful partner, and learning new tools & skills.
Then, when I’m trapped and unable to see the forest for the trees, I can get support to remind me why I’m on the path through the woods.
Warmly,
Kaye
cross-posted from The Work 101 blog.
What the global “bubble burst” means for women.
Have you ever started on a path, only to have some earth-changing information land in your lap? Not long ago, founder of EmpowermentQuest International, Kevin Cole, and myself started throwing around the idea of co-creating a workshop for women struggling with the increasing demands of a modern-day world and it’s impact on our happiness and relationships. We agreed to pool our resources and teach tools and strategies to make a difference.
Little did I know when I started this adventure, just how much more would come across my desk between then and now! Recently I was sent two articles about the shift in gender-related global power.. and what this means for the future of marriage, partnership, and woman’s role in the future of the world. It honestly rocked my world.
Because this stuff addresses a genocide-torn Rwanda becoming a post-genocide, woman-led government with one of the highest literacy rates in Africa and doing great things with public health and foreign policy, with the FULL support of the men.
Whether women know it or not, the collapse of an economy had thrown us a curve-ball. Please join Kevin and myself, July 11th in San Diego, to learn how and to learn what this means for our relationships, careers, and partnering with men. To register, please call 619-602-3633 or contact@empowermentquest.com Early Bird discount ends July 1st. Call for more information.
Looking forward to an amazing experience!
Warmly,
Kaye
P.S. This isn’t just about what being a woman now means in the world. We’re still committed to providing the tools and strategies to help women be that satisfied, loved, and fulfilled woman on the inside, beyond having supportive partnerships.
Would your rights count?
Those who do not know their history are doomed to repeat it. Does this look familiar?
“[The subject was] the most important and divisive issue in 19th-century American politics and society…
Inspired by the language of the Declaration of Independence… many Americans—hoped that [it] could gradually be abolished in the United States.
Some became active and organized opponents [and] worked for its abolition nationwide. The states of New England, which had had the smallest populations… were the first to abolish it. Because of their calls for immediate action and an end to prejudice, abolitionists were the object of a great deal of criticism, ridicule, and even violence…becoming an active abolitionist required courage. Many had to face physical danger at the hands of a mob, but many more had to endure the disapproval of family and friends or the ridicule of neighbors.”
Or..
[that they are portrayed] as lascivious by nature is an enduring stereotype… often portrayed as innately promiscuous, even predatory.
…this and similar stereotypes [were used] to justify… In part, this was accomplished by arguing that [they] were subhumans: intellectually inferior, culturally stunted, morally underdeveloped, and animal-like sexually… racist and sexist ideologies [were used] to argue that they alone were civilized and rational, [these] others were barbaric and deserved to be subjugated.
How about:
…[they] are of this people then they are of the freemen, and a constituent part of this Commonwealth. . . . is a citizen of the United States and of the State in which [they] reside, in the constitutional and legal sense of the word citizen, is admitted by the learned judge. . .
..then, being a citizen, . . . “of this people and a constituent member of the sovereignty.” . . . therefore of the “freemen” contemplated by the Preamble to the Constitution of 1776. . . . The same synonymous and generic use of the words citizen, people, and freemen is continued throughout the Constitutions of 1776, 1790 and 1838. . . Any other construction would be in violation of established principles of law and of our National Constitution . . .
Article XIV of the United States Constitution, adopted July 20, 1868, declares that
Sec. 1. “All persons born or naturalized in the United States and subject to the jurisdiction thereof, are citizens of the United States, and of the State in which they reside. No State shall make or enforce any law which shall abridge the privileges or immunities of citizens of the Unites States. Nor shall any State deprive any person of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law, nor deny any person within its jurisdiction the equal protection of the laws.”
. . .What, then, is it to be a citizen of the United States; and what are the privileges and immunities of citizenship? Are they not also the rights of citizenship? . . .then it cannot be denied nor abridged by any State or the interpretation of any State Constitution. If not therein included, it rests upon a broader and deeper basis.If not a privilege, then it is a right, the birthright of citizenship. . . . It could not have originated in governments, for by its exercise they were created and continue to exist; neither did it spring from constitutions or laws, for it was the hand of that sovereignty by which they were made. It has its origins in the nature and constitution of humanity.
American Constitution --We the People..
So, do you think your rights count? The first quoted material was about abolishing slavery and rights for non-white citizens. The second piece was about how bigoted propaganda was used to continue to support why we should still have slaves. After all, they weren’t considered human. The third piece is from The Argument of Carrie S. Burnham, as to why women should be allowed the right to vote.
Less than 100 years ago, chances are someone you know was considered sub-human, property, and/or not allowed to vote. Today, the same tactics and problems are still alive, and chances are – someone within 1 to 6 degrees of YOU isn’t allowed to marry the person they love.
When will we learn?
Hi, Do I Know You?
Considering how much of our lives take place over the computer and internet these days, it is amazing we ever see other human beings. So it is interesting what kinds of things we do (or don’t do) online, as opposed to “in person.”
For example: I’m on Facebook, Twitter, Naymz, LinkedIn, Biznik.. and others. Recently I opened up my Facebook to find 25 friend requests. While flattering, I realized I had NO idea who over half of these people are. Had I met them? Did they know me? How did they find me? What even attracted them to “friend” me? I imagine that if we’d met in person there would be that moment of introduction, shaking hands, and chatting about the event or who we might have in common.
Because of the fact I work so much online, with blogging, social media, and scheduling events and tele-classes for my business, it certainly seems beneficial to add these people as friends. But on the other hand, I had a moment of disconnect as I looked at these names. Who ARE these people? And… would it hurt to just take a moment as they “friended” me, to say hello and who they are?
Hi, I’m Kaye Porter, we met on my blog. Thanks for reading, and I hope you’re having a great week!
Warmly,
Kaye
