Our Stories
My Friend,
Everybody likes a good story. Of course, considering successes like the Rocky Horror Picture Show and Sean of the Dead, there are lots of people who like “bad” stories too.
Sometimes the question is: do we like OUR stories and do our stories like us? Do they build us up, or leave us lower than the gravediggers newly buried daughter.
I don’t know if everything happens for a reason. I don’t know if there is a god, or what God means. I don’t know whether there is some higher power who only gives us as much as we can handle – or whether it is simply our cortical brain giving the next thing to process.. What I do know is that there are times when it is all we can do to keep turning pages and move forward just one sentence at a time.
The question ends up being: is this a moment where my story is going to prove one more reason I can’t…? Or is it going to become another chance to prove to my story; that I can — and will — overcome the solution. Assuming I haven’t already. After all, I don’t know many babies who only try to stand just once.
Turning a page,
Kaye
In the Name of Fear
My Friend,
I get to keep reminding myself that needing help is part of life. Being a proud young woman, I have sometimes fond it easier to attempt acrobatic yoga, on top of a ladder, than admit I need help. At the same time, where would we be if no one had ever helped or needed help? Babies would never walk, and we would without wonders like the Eiffel Tower, the Empire State Building, or Disney Land.
Perhaps it only partly about being afraid of looking like I can’t handle things on my own. I mean who would listen to a “guru” who admitted that their occasionally impetuous nature has taken them across nations.. As well as landed them in some grim places – needing help but too proud to admit it.
Perhaps it also comes back to the fact that when our batteries are run down and we’re hanging by a thread… We’re terrified that if we ask for help, someone else will ask for our help.. And we’ll have nothing left to give.
It’s funny how fear keeps us starving. Isn’t it?
To Life,
Kaye
Resisting Brick Walls
My friend,
Pain happens when you are resisting what is. It isn’t that you need to roll over and go belly-up; but the more you push against a brick wall, the more likely you are to hurt your shoulder.
So what do you do in that situation? Start by noticing it. If the situation calls for it, you might even let out an “oh, this sucks!” At that point, it is easier to decide what to do about the situation, or whether you want to do anything at all. It might be a while of “oh, this is a brick wall.. yup this is still a brick wall… and even more – brick wall!” before you get to doing something about it.
Of course there are times where we decide to settle down by the brick wall, because it is sheltering us from a lot of overhead fire, and lay plans for how to get out of town.
To your health,
Kaye
Not the Bank of Love
My Friend,
It is hard to take in, but in order for a relationship to thrive, each person needs to be willing to be the one who loves more – and do it freely. We tend to think of relationships as investments and if we’ve put X in, we expect to get Y out. But sometimes the very expectation is what keeps what we really want from coming to us.
This is not to say that we can’t ask for Y, or make deals to have Y happen, but to put it in terms of “Hey, I did blahblahblah, you should lalala” can be a real joy killer. No one wants to live a “should-y” life. Instead, consider doing something scarier: be real about what it is you’re offering… And what it is you’re looking for.
Wishing the best,
Kaye
P.S. Of course, if you are dealing with someone who will take hearing your needs as a way to hurt you, we are outside of the scope of this particular tool and I suggest finding some additonal and professional support. This tip best when both people are interesting in having, keeping, and maintaining healthy partnerships.
It’s all about that high shrieking sound… or feedback.
Dear Friends,
“Research is the process of going up alleys to see if they are blind.” — Marston Bates (1906-1974) U.S. zoologist
How like life, in general. You head one direction, realize it you’ve found a blind alley, only to head off in another direction all together. Sometimes you’re lucky, and can do it intentionally — “I’m going to try sprouts, just to see if I still don’t like them..” Other times it is more of a — “Wow, that sucks. I’m in a blind alley with a rabid dog.”
If you spend any time in the personal development areas – you’ll here sayings like “There is no failure. Only feedback.” (I would attribute it to someone, but I’ve heard it from too many people to know an accurate source.) What they don’t tell you, is the definition of feedback includes audio feedback and that high pitched shrieking noise that alerts you; woops.
But think of this as the Universe’s way of saying: Ok, lets try something else. This is a blind alley. We’re on an adventure.. and when we’re done, we’ll have lots of stories about all those blind alleys we hit.. with and without rabid dogs.
Wishing you luck on your adventure –
Kaye
P.S. The advanced practice: Letting it go and moving on. Accept that maybe this isn’t where you really wanted to be.. and to some degree, that might feel sucky (yes, sucky is a technical term). Take a moment to regroup, and decide what you’re going to do about it next. Sure, you can stand there and beat your head against the brick wall if it helps. After all, it feels so good when you stop.
Forgiveness
Dear Friends,
Do you know the story about a father and his hot tempered son? It goes something like this:
There was a boy who was always very angry and was short tempered. One day his father called him and handed him a hammer and a bag of nails telling him, “Whenever you get angry and lose your temper, take a nail and nail it into backyard fence. Each time – a nail should be hammered to the fence.”
On the 1st day itself the boy did 30 nails. By the next week he was down to 15, and so on. As time went on the boy grew more aware of his anger and put fewer and fewer nails in the fence. Although he never denied the anger that was there, in time he found it easier to silently experience his anger and still keep his cool, rather than angrily nail the nails into the fence.
He went to tell his father, and after congratulating his son told him, “For each time you do not manage your anger in a responsible way, go and pull one nail from the fence.”
A few days later the boy went to his father, after each hammered nail had been removed from the fence. The father said, “I am proud of you son, and I would like you to look at the holes that you have made in the fence. When things are said in anger, irritation, or frustration, you can put a hole into someone just like you have put a hole in the fence. Although you may retract your words and apologize, the hole can still remain for a long, long time.”
One of the reasons I am so good at helping those I work with is there have been times where I too am spectacular at messing up. The other reason I’m so good at what I do is; I am pretty good at realizing down the road how spectacular I’ve been. On good days, amends can be made, and apologies offered. Things can be smoothed out, and everyone can go on.
Then there are the times when no matter what, there will be no resolution and you get to face the fact you have left some pretty serious holes in your wake. Sadly, at that point all you can do is look to yourself and ask: can there be forgiveness from within? And what am I going to do next time, instead?
To moments of peace,
Kaye
When the Date is Over. Period.
Dear Friends,
Dating doesn’t always turn out the way we would like. I wish I could say otherwise, but no self respecting human being would believe me. Some people pile up heart-breaks like stock options, while others wouldn’t recognize the game if it was gift-wrapped on Christmas. Even when we think we’ve gotten things set; we’ve crossed every “T” and dotted every “I” and we still can get blind sided. We just don’t know until we get there.
For example: I once had what seemed to be an amazingly perfect relationship. The guy made me laugh more in the time I knew him, than I’d laughed with some people in years. I knew what it was to feel safe, secure and connected to someone special. We’d gone through our deal-breakers. We’d discussed everything from thoughts on kids to financial debt. We even fought the same. The guy seemed perfect and I even considered some significant life changes to be with him. Yet when the chips were down: we didn’t fit.
But whether it is a relationship of 20 years or 2 dates, recognize there can be a period of mourning. Mourning the loss of a connection, the loss of a relationship, or the loss of a dream. To the heart, all of these are deaths of sorts and don’t really get resolved until we get to grieve. Then it is easier to move on.
What ultimately matters, is what we do when all is said and done. Sure, we can beat ourselves up and tear ourselves apart wondering what went wrong. We can lash out at the other person for hurting us. We can get hard and bitter, swearing never to let another person in. We can grieve the change and loss… but realize at some point we get to let go and keep going.
And, sometimes we might bounce back and forth between all of the above. At that point all we an do is try to remember who it is we want to be in the world, and do our best. Of course, your millage may very, and it is still very real millage.
To your future,
Kaye
