Relationship Advice: I’ve had sex with him, and now he’s distant!
Most women become bonded to a man, after having sex, and men don’t always feel the same way. (Photo by whatmegsaid on flickr)
“Hi there, I love the relationship advice you’ve shared in the past, and I’m hoping you can help me! I recently met a guy I really liked, and had sex with him. I think it was a mistake, because now he’s acting distant. I want a more serious relationship but when I told him afterwards, he became impatient and sounded frustrated.
What should I do to have a relationship with him? Please help me!”
Firstly, you and he are already are in a “relationship.” Even a casual relationship is a relationship. You and he are relating, just not in the way you were hoping for. Unfortunately, you’ve stepped into one of those painful landmines and relationship myths that many women hit at one point or another. The landmine is, that most women become bonded to a man, after having sex… and men don’t always feel the same way. The myth is, that if we have sex with a guy, that he’ll want a relationship with us (the same way we do with them).
Sadly, if things generally worked this way, I wouldn’t be answering your question.
Ideally, two people find one another. They have open communication and a mutual agreement that they’re looking for either a casual hook-up, or long term, serious relationship potential. They progress forward at the same speed, and have thrilling, hot sex, and a satisfying relationship that works for both people — whether it’s casual or committed.
The Ugly Truth is: Sex and physical attraction does not necessarily mean long-term emotional connection for a man. Plenty of men have sex because they a) have physical needs, and b) are physically attracted. There is nothing wrong with it, there is nothing wrong with them, there is nothing wrong with you. The problem happens when we, as women, often get “glued” to guys we have sex with. And, just because they’ve had sex with us, doesn’t necessarily mean they’re in a place where they are available for a relationship.
If we have sex early on with someone and don’t let them know that we see it as “Step 1 towards a long-term committed relationship,” they see us as adults open to something casual. If we go forward with them, and then tell them afterward that we were expecting a “serious relationship,” they feel like we’ve done a bait-and-switch and lied about what has been happening all along.
And the more we try to convince them to “have a relationship with us”….
The more we get upset about it….
The more distant they’re going to be…
The more convinced they are that they can’t trust us….
…. and now we’re definitely NOT girlfriend material in their eyes.
So, what to do from here:
A) Address it authentically, and without accusations. Be honest. If you had sex with them, hoping that it would turn into a relationship, admit that is what you were doing. Ask if there is any possibility of creating a future relationship together, or if this was about having fun and meeting physical needs. If the answer was that they were meeting physical needs, you need to respect that. Don’t punish them or yourself, just learn and move on. It isn’t about you, or your value as a person or as a girlfriend. It’s just, they’re not available or into you that way.
B) Don’t do it again, especially if you know you’re the type of person who expects a serious relationship with someone you’ve had sex with. In fact, don’t have sex with any guy unless you both agree that you’re both available for a relationship and you both are clear on what you expect after. Also, don’t have sex with any guy who is pressuring you for sex early on (especially the first couple of dates). If he is emotionally invested, he’ll give you both some time to get to know one another before hopping between the sheets.
Guys will generally tell women if they’re available for a relationship. And if a guy says he’s not looking for something serious right now, believe him and don’t have sex with him unless you’re honestly open to something fun and casual. Because once you’ve had sex with him, your hormones will make sure you’re feeling attached for at least two weeks… back to the situation you’re in right now.
One of the best things I did when I was dating is let guys know before we had sex; that if we had sex, I was going to feel vulnerable and insecure, and want reassurance. Specifically, that I needed him to call me the next day and reassure me that we were good, and that he cared about me. Where we moved forward from there, was up to us.
Yes, that’s scary. We, as women, hate feeling needy or clingy (especially when that’s how we’re feeling). However, most guys find that kind of courage, openness, and clarity a relief, because they now know exactly what we’re expecting and can let us know if they’re available for what we need.
Good luck!
Kaye
For more relationship information, or to find out about Relationship Breakthrough intensives — also check out my new collaboration: http://www.relationship-breakthrough.com
When we get “intimate” before we’ve actually created intimacy this problem will always happen. We don’t know that other person well enough to have the intimacy we believe we’re experiencing and then wonder why there isn’t a relationship. There wasn’t one to begin with, at least not with the true person. Can you mess up and think someone isn’t who they are even after getting to know them? Of course, but when you get into bed with someone before having any sort of talk about what you want and what they want you’re expecting a relationship with a person who doesn’t exist because what’s in your head is what you’ve made up.