I Hate It, I See Your Face..
As many of you know, I have a background in NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programming). Part of what that provides me is insight to the places where our unconscious links an experience we have, with something we see, hear, feel, smell, etc.. For example, you hear a song, that reminds you of an ex, and suddenly you feel sad. A smell takes you back to your childhood and you feel comforted. In NLP-speak these experiences are called “anchors” and this internal feeling/external experience link was discovered through Pavlov’s experiments with dogs… where he would ring a bell, and then feed the dogs. After doing that for a while, he noticed that the dogs would automatically start salivating when the bell was rung, even if he didn’t feed them.
What does this have to do with your love life and relationships? Imagine this:
You hate your job. You come home frustrated and see your partner’s face. You come home frustrated, and see your partner’s face… you come home frustrated, see your partner’s face… come home frustrated, see your partner’s face… come home frustrated, see your partner’s face.. See your partner’s face.
The sad thing is, is your partner could be doing everything right. They could be doing everything in their power to make you happy. But, like Pavlov’s dogs, whether we know it or not, enough repetition and we’re going to start drooling (or in this case, be frustrated) without even consciously realizing it. And, once we start to feel that frustration, our conscious mind will come up with reasons why we feel the way we do – even if that’s not what’s really going on.
The good news? If you become aware that your general upset or frustration around a job, or a daily situation that is bleeding into a close loving relationship, you can do things to reverse it or mitigate it.
- Use the anger as a leverage to come up with some healthy, creative solutions. Get support in taking steps to change the situation.
- If you’re coming home regularly upset, take an extra couple of minutes before going inside to breathe, meditate, or journal so that you’ve diffused the feeling before seeing your partner
- Call me and I’ll help break up the negative anchor :)
When Pavlov heard a bell did he think “Time to feed the dogs”?
Ohhh.. Good point!
I’m sure if the dogs had access to the bell, they would have been ringing it, at 4am.. like when my cat wants to be fed.
Hmm, good thing we don’t have a bell here!