Berlin’s wall, came-a tumbling down!
(continued from last week..)
So,
We can’t just stop a behavior. It has to be replaced with something. What do you want to do instead, in order to take care of the need? How else are you going to create that safety and self-care? Meditate more? Take a boundaries class? Take hot baths? Learn self-defense? Practice affirmations of self-love? You might consider going inside and asking that unconscious part of you what it needs to feel safe and secure, in order to let down the walls when you choose to. Brainstorm some ideas while checking in: If I do (these) things, then will the need for (this) be met? Try some things and see what works for you. Also, decide how you’re going to take care of yourself when your children are in one of THOSE moods, the moods where we wonder if our kids are possessed by hurtful little aliens. Are you going to take a time out?
Trust your instincts. In the meantime, the brain doesn’t know the difference between what is “real” and what is “imagined.” So make some place quiet and private where you can relax and practice the following meditation:
Remember a time when you were truly, deeply, and safely connected. Free of any walls or barriers. Maybe it was with a infant, or a puppy, or a cat. Maybe it was out in nature, but go to that time where you felt deeply, safely, and completely connected. Free of any walls or barriers. Now, take the feelings of being safe, secure, and connected and imagine them lighting up your entire body. Do they have a color? a sound? a smell? a texture? Feel that sensation of being safe, secure, and connected through-out your entire body.
Now, imagine yourself sitting in a movie theater. See the screen playing before you and watch yourself interacting with the people you love. Watch yourself on that screen, connecting to those people; safely and securely. Watch yourself have the knowing that you are safe and secure, there with your loved ones. Now, once you got those feelings set again through your body.. imagine stepping into that movie screen, so you are looking through your own eyes, in your own body, and connecting safely and securely with your family. You know who you are, and you are safe.
Now, when you’re ready, gradually come back to your body and the room you’re in.
Take baby steps. This is an ongoing practice. Have you ever had a time where you loved so much that you knew you were safe? Then 5 minutes later you wonder what happened to that open-hearted feeling? Or learning a new skill, you got in the flow.. and then all of a sudden it just wasn’t happening? Build on what you can believe. If you believe you can spend the entire day free of your walls, now, go for it. If you can only spend 5 minutes in the room, but not interact.. that’s fine too. Start with those 5 minutes, and then take a break. Do something nice for yourself. It is about showing your unconscious that you can be fine, and that it gets rewarded for improving on this new skill. Come up with some rewards to give yourself. Maybe you get it down for 5 minutes, once a week. Then build up to twice a week. Set yourself realistic, achievable goals and rewards for continuing to make the effort. Find a friend you can brag to, who is going to be a cheerleader. Find a way to play with it.. one success at a time.. and most of all, BE GENTLE WITH YOURSELF.
Chances are you’ll have a week where things are just flowing, and then suddenly you’ll have all the world’s emotional stuff come up inside you. Maybe you’ll get irritable, maybe you’ll feel vulnerable and panicked, maybe everyone close to you has a bad day. This is normal. This just means that you’re pushing these new muscles and you’re getting a little sore. Be nice to yourself.
The more you come to love yourself and trust that you will be fine.. the less you will need your walls. When you’re so OK with yourself, that it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks.. you’re free… and free to choose. Remember, the people who love you, already know who your “true self” is. They’ve seen it in those moments of love and care. The moments where we smooth their forehead.. the moments we lose our tempers. They know who we are, we just forget. To remember, who we are, can be huge. If we’ve experienced any sort of trauma, we dissociate or build masks.. but haven’t you ever had a friend, who even though they had masks, you saw right through? So remember, the people who love you, already know who you are. And they already love you. You’re already fine.
Best wishes!
Kaye
