Flourishing Today

“Courage is not the absence of fear…”

“Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear.” — Ambrose Redmoon

This post was inspired by my friend Lily, and there are many people in my life who I’ve seen display amazing courage. They didn’t go off to war, they didn’t settle uncharted territory, or sail to a distant planet. they’ve had the courage to relate with another human being, on a level that leaves them vulnerable.

Early in my relationship coaching career, I took a class with a Mark Micheal Lewis, who said something that has lived within me ever since that class. He said, “intimacy stops when we stop communicating.” The thing is, is that intimacy requires so much courage, that sometimes I’m amazed that any of us have relationships to thrive in. The kicker is that sometimes by the time we gather the courage to share ourselves, there is so much pressure behind it, that it is like trying to share water from a fire-hose – all the power to put out flaming houses, but hard to drink from.

Relating openly, takes an extra level of faith/trust/recognition/enter appropriate word for your understanding here:
Faith that you’ll be safe
Faith that you’ll be welcomed and accepted
Faith that there is a place to share yourself, and
Faith that there are people out there who won’t accept anything less — because they love you THAT much.

When I first started this as a note on Facebook, Lily also added that there is a huge place for faith in yourself. I’m just going to quote her directly because she says it so well:

I feel there’s so much to be said about faith in oneself too: faith that you know your self, faith that you know what you want, faith that you can articulate it to someone else, and… the most important for me, faith that when I cannot know myself, cannot know what I want, or cannot articulate it, my partner will be patient enough to help me know it to myself and to him (or her).

As I’ve grown in my work helping others, I’ve had to grow in my own courage. Time and time again, I find myself upset, or facing a problem, that I’m scared to share, scared to admit that I have a problem, with my problem. But that is why, before I started seeing Christian, I decided I wasn’t going to date someone who couldn’t also be my best friend. A friend who would keep honesty, and intimacy in the forefront of our relating. Because, well, if we couldn’t be honest, why the heck were we here?

But part of the secret has been finding someone who spoke the same language (and I don’t mean English, necessarily!), had the same commitment, capacity and who was willing to learn to translate, as much as I am. The other part of the secret was realizing that people have more space to respond to me, when they’re responding to something that is about me: it is my hurt, my fear, my need. It is communicating that my emotions are about me, not an attack against them.. and an open request to find out what they need, to partner with me in finding the solution.

So thank you to everyone who has, and continues to show courage in relating – you inspire me.