Cut the Bullshit.
Yes, I will sometimes swear for authenticity.
I assert you know what you want. And you know what you don’t want. It takes a lot of courage to admit it, and it takes just as much courage to hear… because what if they don’t want the same thing you do?
I have a friend I’ve known for years. We’ve been SUPER close, but have never lived in the same state. Two years ago, when I broke up with my boyfriend, it looked like my friend and I had a chance to start up the relationship that had been brewing since I was 17 and had never gotten to really try because we’d always lived too far apart. The year before, he’d been interviewing in California, and had gotten a job offer in LA. Since I lived in Oakland at the time, we decided to continue with our lives as friends.
Now, suddenly, I was looking at moving to Los Angeles myself. I was spending more and more time in Santa Monica with friends, and was seriously looking for places to move to build my practice in Southern California. Our conversations got serious enough that we were talking about moving to Los Angeles together. Suddenly, it felt like all those years of friendship had some to a focus and a whole new future opened up.
That idea went up like a desert brush fire when I found out he was involved, and living with another woman. She and I found out about one another, and were hurt.
The funny thing is, I’m not angry at him. I know my friend. He can’t bear to hurt anyone. He deeply loves people, and wants to make them happy. What upsets me, is that this is a pattern and good intentions or not, everyone ends up hurt. Nobody is happy. Nobody wins.
He’s not the only one who does this. Men… Women… People are afraid of speaking up. We fear that if we have intimacy, we can’t have boundaries. We’re afraid that if we admit we’re not happy, that we’ll hurt our partners. We shut people out of our lives, because we’re afraid they might get too close. We don’t know how to re-work our deals, and create space where everyone wins.
I don’t know if my friendship will ever be the same with him… because I’m not sure he knows who he is. If he couldn’t be honest with his partner, how can he be honest with me? And if he can’t be honest with himself about who he is, there is no place to create something together.
Be real with yourself, and your partner. You can’t transform a relationship until you’re ready for the truth. Yours and theirs. This isn’t a truth to hit someone upside the head with. It is a gift of recognizing you both have the opportunity to bring something, which will create change and make your partnership great. Besides, ultimately, everyone else knows who we are. All those things we think we’re hiding show up anyway (and often when we least want them to!).
Good luck!
Kaye
P.S. For those of you in LA — remember to join us at Creating Satisfying Partnerships this December 10th at 7:30-10pm. Contact me for the location address!
