Your Expectations Count – but not always in the way you think
Ever been in a situation where you feel like the cards were stacked against you before you even walked in the door? Interactions are shaped all the time, by the expectations of the people involved. This happens when we’re dating, and it happens in our ongoing relationships.
In The Luck Factor, Dr. Richard Wisemen discusses the importance of expectations and self-fulfilling prophecies.
“Let’s imagine you are going on a blind date… you don’t know the person that you are going to meet, but your friend has told you that your date is likable, friendly, and outgoing. Let’s analyze how these expectations might influence your behavior.
Imagine that you walk into the restaurant, find the right table, and sit down opposite your date. A number of things then happen amazingly quickly. First, because you expect your date to be friendly, you are feeling happy and so you smile. Second, your date sees you smile and correctly assumes you are pleased to see him. Third, he feels more positively toward you because you seem to feel positively toward him. Fourth, because your date is now feeling positively toward you, he returns your smile. Fifth, you see his smile and this reinforces the notion that he is indeed a friendly person. All of this happened within a few seconds of the two of you meeting, without either of you thinking about it and before anyone has said a single word.”
This works the other way around too. Time and time again, I’ll be working with a wonderful guy, who comes to me confused after a first date. Chances are he didn’t do anything wrong, and she is responding to hurt in the past. But the experience of the present leaves him wondering if he could ever make her happy, or wondering if she ever saw who he was begin with. At that point, chances are slim there will be a second date.
It isn’t just women that do this – I have a close male friend who has been asking me for dating advice. I love the guy dearly, but have had a hard time trying to help him see that even though he has a lot to offer, it would be hard for anyone to get past the first date with him. When he starts out, he expects to be shot down. The entire date is torture for him, because is just waiting for her to decide she is done with him. A couple times we went out as a group, and the entire date was torture for me too, because I could keep seeing him shooting himself in the foot. I can only imagine how uncomfortable it was for her.
While there is no sense in ignoring intuition, maybe the guy really IS a slimeball… or maybe she really is a psycho barracuda. It is work taking a moment to check in (before the date) about what our expectations really are and what we would like to see instead: Am I expecting the guy to be an insensitive jerk because I’ve been hurt by men in the past? If so, it is unlikely I’m going to smile at him. He won’t see me being happy to see him, and unlike the above, he isn’t going to smile back. This is likely going to reinforce the idea that a potentially great guy is an insensitive jerk… before we’ve even said hello.
